Archive for May, 2011

It beckons, calling out quietly, my very own personal Tell-Tale Heart. Hidden under the floor boards it has been whispering for weeks on end; “You need to post”. Mentally I respond back with the most asthenic of excuses; I don’t have time, I’ve nothing interesting to say… I’m a lousy liar.

As wedding troops marched down fairly dry aisles, and a package of soggy honey bees made their inopportune arrival, the month of April was resplendent with fodder for posting.


Sadly I missed the rehearsal the morning before. If you recall in the previous post, I had made some kind of wise-ass remark about missing the wedding because of the arrival of my honeybees? Well it was nearly as bad. With the wedding rehearsal set for 11:00 am on a Saturday, I received word on Thursday night that my package of  ‘Apis Mellifera’ was due to arrive on that same Saturday at 10:00 am. With a couple of phone calls and and more pleading than a man on death row, I was excused from the rehearsal, absolved from any permanent spousal wrath as long as I made it to the wedding to give the bride away. Piece of cake, I mean, how hard could that be…

The Father of the bride.

I dressed at home, wearing a black tux, I looked like a 285 pound penguin in a pink tie. The pink tie was my future son in-law’s idea of retribution for not making it to the rehearsal the day before. This kid has no idea what retribution is; hell I wore a pink welders cap and a bandanna with tiger stripes on a pink background for years, but that’s whole other story.

We made it to the venue on time and ready to go, my bees although cold were secured in their new home and I was happy. First task, review what I’d missed at the rehearsal the day before.  I was introduced to Gregor, not Greg or Gregory… Gregor.  With all the stereotypes of a male event planner, complete with long dark curls in Fabio-isck fashion, a black cowl necked sweater; the two German Police Shepherds rounded out the ensemble perfectly. In six minutes I was drilled in wedding march etiquette and procedure, it had taken over an hour to do this the day before.

The only thing worse than watching six women running around in various  states of undress, hoping their hair is perfect; is watching five men running around in various states of undress looking for their cuff links. Let me make one comment, how is it that a perfectly sane woman, my wife, can be transformed into a giddy post  adolescent twenty something with the appearance of crinoline! The bride looked beautiful, my wife looked content, my youngest daughter, “captain” of the bridesmaids looked… far too available. It was too much to watch, I found a quiet little spot over looking the caterer, as Gregor swooshed here and there directing the double wide budget affair.

With the proper gate and arm placement, I made it down the aisle with out stumbling to say; ” Her Mother and I” when prompted. Actually it went rather smoothly, a little confusion with the hand off but acceptable.

I never really lost control of my emotions during the whole affair, however I must of had an allergy to the flowers that caused my eyes to water during my dance with my daughter.

Talk to you later.


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