Archive for July, 2009

4th Of July It's Come Down To This!

4th Of July It's Come Down To This!

My kids today have no idea what a 4th of July celebration used to be like, essentially it’s been legislated and regulated down to a box of “Kitchen Matches”. As a kid, 4th of July was the King of our summertime celebrations, and our Mother was the Master of Ceremonies. Mom would have Dad stop at the fireworks stands just North of the Colorado State Border to get the “good stuff ” (illegal, but good).  At our house when celebrating a special occasion with gunpowder, the risk of losing an eye or a finger was just considered the price of observing the Holiday; in this case our Nations Birthday. The grand finale of the evening was always the Triple Layered Chocolate Cake covered with Cool Whipped Topping, this was flavored with a splash of creme-de-menthe, and a touch of green food coloring. To add to the holiday flare, five sparklers were stuck into the cake and set-a-fire giving it the; “rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air”, affect. G-d only knows what the long term effects of ingesting the tiny bits of molten, Aluminum; Iron Filings; Barium Nitrate; Dextrin; and Boric Acid had on the system. Hey we were young, so what’s a little grit among family.

One year Dad made a great score, coming home with a gross of Pop Bottle Rockets. With this many explosive devises available, the likely hood of these falling into the wrong hands, (okay, that should read my hands) was inevitable.  Let me fill you in on a common mental malady of the 16 year old male. The brain of the average 15 or 16 year old boy, is under the influence of a chemical imbalance; the auto self-preservation mechanisms that govern the common sense region of the brain do not appear to be functioning properly, literally disconnected. This troubling condition; Auto-Self-Destruct-Behavior(A.S.D.B.) can show up as early as 14, and may persist to the age of 25, or their early demise, which ever comes first. This lack of common sense or good judgement, is inversely proportional to the irrational decisions that are being made in search of a good time. In simple Parental Terms; “They’re just plain, flat… stupid”. Have you ever had to respond to a Father’s questions regarding a recent event; “What were you thinking!?” Only to come up empty handed? If so, then you too, may have been afflicted by the effects A.S.D.B.

Did you know that a 1/2″ piece of electrical conduit about 5 feet long, can make the perfect rocket launcher? Looking back, I feel bad for the neighbors to the Northeast of us, they must have felt like they were under attack from the Norwegian National Guard. The ballistic emissions from the barrage of bottle rockets, followed by white puffs of gunpowder exploding over their house, was nothing more than annoying. They probably were not even aware of the skirmish! All the same, it was what we would classify as a good time, while suffering from a full blown A.S.D.B. attack.

So this evening as I prepare to button down the hatches and do my best to comfort our two dogs as a small war is taking place outside; I’ll try to remember that many of the offenders are simply suffering from A.S.D.B. and can’t help themselves, Poor Stupid Bastards!

Happy 4th of July!

Talk to you later


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